Name :: Elizabeth Chervonne
Gender :: Female
Status :: In a relationship
In Love :: 187 days since 18th Oct 2003
Adores :: My baby monster - Derek
Age :: 22
DOB :: 5th May 1981
Sun Sign :: Taurus
Moon Sign :: Gemini
Rising Sign :: Capricorn
Location :: Singapore
Email :: vanisia1981(at)yahoo(dot)com
MSN Messenger:: lizchervonne(at)hotmail(dot)com
ICQ No :: 14098306
Domain :: autumnsunset.com
Occupation :: My baby's Personal Assistant :P
Current Digs :: Photography!
Current Flava :: BT, Andain, Muse
Current Reads :: Designing with Grids, Deconstructing Web Graphics, Love & Vertigo, All About Digital Cameras
Current Obsession :: Hugging, smooching, nuzzling, holding hands, spending time, being manja and chatting with my baby :)
Current Addiction :: My baby! His smile, his cheeky look, his floppy hair, his hands around my waist, his skin against mine, his kissable lips, his manja-ing ways and the way his presence makes me grin like a silly bunnie :P
Currently Listening :: Class 95, Power 98, English and Cheena MP3s
Currently Feeling ::
- Send out resumes/find a job
- Bug Mindy to teach me geek stuff :P
- Design watermark
- Move to new domain
- Think of graphic/layout designs
- Buy new vcds, watch all downloaded movies
- Clean my entire room
- Clear my wardrobe
- Update Amazon wishlist
- Lose weight and exercise
- Collate email/postal addresses to keep in touch with friends
- Organise meetup/coffee/dinner sessions with friends
- Buy Slik tripod, Lexar/Transcend/Hagiwara 512MB CF card, Sony 256MB Memory stick, OEM Lens Adapter 52mm, 52mm Hoya UV Filter, 52mm Hoya Circular Polariser, 52mm Lens Cap, Tele/Wide converter
- Find Good Charlotte's Hold On, Gareth Gates' "Say It Isn't So", Enrique Iglesias' "Addicted"
Agenda
30 May 03 :: Nite
out at DblO 31 May 03 :: Party with Faisal (Tired) 01 June 03 :: Suntanning/Slacking (Sardined by many ppl) 03 June 03 :: Dinner with Jeff 06 June 03 :: Zouk (Lazy!) 07 June 03 :: Tuition (doh!), Slacking 08 June 03 :: Slacking (Eat, sleep, shopping, acting like a sloth:oP) 10 June 03 :: Coffee with Yiqin 13 June 03 :: Nite out at Chinablack 14 June 03 :: Work, Sleep 15 June 03 :: Catch up on much needed sleep! 22 June 03 :: Manicure & pedicure session, Shopping 23 June 03 :: Wedding Dinner 04 July 03 :: Clubbing! 05 July 03 :: Clubbing! 08 July 03 :: Buy Cartiers 12 July 03 :: Nite out at Zouk! 18 July 03 :: Nite out at Chinablack(Decided to stay home. PSS!) 19 July 03 :: Movie and Dinner with Colleagues (Skipped movie, missed dinner, opted for a smoothie instead :oP) 22 July 03 :: Sentosa with my sheeps (Official matters :oP) 26 July 03 :: ZoukOut! 30 July 03 :: Velvet Underground (Gave it a miss, too tired...) 01 August 03 :: Trip to Library (Lazy... came home to slack. Hehe! :oP) 02 August 03 :: Zouk (Zouk? What zouk? :oP) 03 August 03 :: Dinner Appointment (Mmm... nice) 07 August 03 :: Project meeting 08 August 03 :: Lazing, Chinablack 15 August 03 :: Movie, Zouk 16 August 03 :: Clubbing(Slack!) 17 August 03 :: Coffee(Window shopping, tarot reading then dinner) 20 August 03 :: Dinner with Mashi 21 August 03 :: Hangout with Edina 22 August 03 :: Hangout with Jeya and Di 24 August 03 :: Marmie's Bdae BBQ 28 August 03 :: Hangout with Marmie 29 August 03 :: Hangout with Dee 31 August 03 :: Bought New HP(Samsung V200) 04 Sept 03 :: Watched "Down With Love" 06 Sept 03 :: Visit Mashi in JB! 07 Sept 03 :: Hangout with Dennis (went to dye my hair instead :oP) 11 Sept 03 :: Going KL with Mashi (KL trip postponed. Went to straighten hair instead and hangout) 12 Sept 03 :: Lazed at home 13 Sept 03 :: Went to JB! 14 Sept 03 :: Hangout with Dennis(Altivo... nice!) 15 Sept 03 :: Hangout with Dee 17 Sept 03 :: Dinner Appointment (Yawn.. cancelled) 18 Sept 03 :: Dinner Appointment (Dinner at Taka's Pasta Cafe with Merv..rushed home for Bachelor!) 19 Sept 03 :: Hangout with Dee - Coffeebean Clementi 20 Sept 03 :: Hanging out and getting drunk by the beach 21 Sept 03 :: Mum's Birthday (Durian cake.. yum) 22 Sept 03 :: Hangout with Dee - Holland V 23 Sept 03 :: Shopping with Marmie (postponed.. rushed home to do work) 24 Sept 03 :: Dental appointment 25 Sept 03 :: Hang out with Dee, Watch The Bachelor 26 Sept 03 :: Zouk 27 Sept 03 :: Zouk (Relac at home...) 28 Sept 03 :: Photography session with Ferris, Swimming/Suntanning (Dimsum Lunch, Tuition, Slack) 02 Oct 03 :: Hangout with Dee - Coffeebean Clementi, Watch Bachelor 03 Oct 03 :: Hangout with Marmie & Derek 04 Oct 03 :: Work, Lunch with Mashi 05 Oct 03 :: Tuition 09 Oct 03 :: Tuition - N' Level Math 16 Oct 03 :: Stay home and slack 17 Oct 03 :: Dept. D&D(Met Derek and went to DblO) 18 Oct 03 :: Work, Slack 19 Oct 03 :: Date with my baby monster 20 Oct 03 :: Date with my baby monster 21 Oct 03 :: Tuition (Argh!) 22 Oct 03 :: Date with my baby monster 23 Oct 03 :: Dinner and movie with my baby monster(Kill Bill!) 24 Oct 03 :: Movie with my baby monster(Underworld!!! Followed by some relative meeting session. Eeps!) 25 Oct 03 :: Bringing baby to meet my family, Centro to meet "brother" 26 Oct 03 :: Date with my baby monster 27 Oct 03 :: Date with my baby monster 30 Oct 03 :: Lunch with Mashi 31 Oct 03 :: Window shopping with Marmie, Supper with my baby monster! (Walked from his workplace at Paya Lebar to Geylang.. Hiaks. Nice lomantic walk.) 01 Nov 03 :: Meeting my baby monster 02 Nov 03 :: Meeting my baby monster and his friends (Dinner at Changi Village with Keat and Mingyee) 03-05 Nov 03 :: Bintan "honeymoon" with my baby (can't wait!) 07 Nov 03 :: Dinner with my baby monster (Dinner at Clementi with his mum before hanging out at Coffee Bean) 08 Nov 03 :: Meeting my baby monster (Dinner at Phin's, Arcade at Marina, Hung out at Fat Frog with the rest of his friends) 10 Nov 03 :: Sick monster came over to my place to hangout 14 Nov 03 :: Meeting my baby monster (Made a trip to the library, strolled to Marina and headed home) 15 Nov 03 :: Spent one entire day with my baby monster 18 Nov 03 :: One Month! 20 Nov 03 :: Meeting my baby monster 21 Nov 03 :: Dental Appt 22 Nov 03 :: Meeting my baby monster(Had dinner at Redhill, went to Harbour Front to Paktor) 25 Nov 03 :: Meeting my baby monster(Had lunch at Simlim before he went for work) 27 Nov 03 :: Meeting my baby (Clementi Pasar Malam) 28 Nov 03 :: Meeting my baby, Sim Lim, Library (Impromptu movie at Plaza Sing. - Star Runner) 29 Nov 03 :: Randi's Bdae BBQ at some Changi Chalet 02 Dec 03 :: Coffee Session with Dee (Starbucks Holland V) 03 Dec 03 :: Meeting my baby (Dinner at Marche) 05 Dec 03 :: Meeting my baby (library@esplanade, dinner then carrefour) 06 Dec 03 :: Meeting my baby (flamenco performance at heritage and chilling at boat quay with marmie and the rest) 07 Dec 03 :: Lazy Sunday with my baby (Cramps! :( Ouchie wouchies...) 12 Dec 03 :: Meeting my baby for lunch, collect photos from fotohub 13 Dec 03 :: Sentosa then Movie with my baby(Love Actually!) 14 Dec 03 :: Movie with my baby(Infernal Affairs 3) 15 Dec 03 :: Meeting my baby, Getting a haircut 18 Dec 03 :: 2nd Month! 19 Dec 03 :: Meeting my baby, Accompany Dee for piercing, Library 20 Dec 03 :: Meeting my baby, LOTR! (Dinner at Country Manna followed by LOTR) 21 Dec 03 :: Pak tor with my baby (Went Chinatown to collect name, dimsum at YumCha... lazed/napped at home) 22 Dec 03 :: Dental appt 24 Dec 03 :: Office xmas party (Met my baby for supper) 25 Dec 03 :: Xmas! (Met Redz and Kel for dinner/coffee) 26 Dec 03 :: On leave, Pak tor with my baby (Lazing, Lunch at Phin's and Central Library) 27 Dec 03 :: Lazing at home 29 Dec 03 :: On leave 31 Dec 03 :: New Year's Eve - Meeting my baby and friends(Baby is sick, stayed home with him 01 Jan 04 :: New Year! (Lunch at some jap place followed by "Good Boy!") 03 Jan 04 :: Meeting my baby (Dinner at Piazza followed by "Scary Movie 3" 04 Jan 04 :: Movie with my baby("School of Rock") 07 Jan 04 :: On Course 10 Jan 04 :: Meeting my baby, K-Box session 12 Jan 04 :: SMA Career Talk 17 Jan 04 :: Zouk with MIT guys 18 Jan 04 :: 3rd Month! 19 Jan 04 :: Symposium aka Panda in Biz Suit Day, Collecting Sony N760 Clie (6.30@Clementi) (Yes! New clie!) 20 Jan 04 :: Collecting Canon A80 (6.30@Orchard) 21 Jan 04 :: Bringing cny gifts to monster's momma 22 Jan 04 :: Paul Van Dyk with Eug & Marmie! 24 Jan 04 :: Meeting my baby, Last Samurai 27 Jan 04 :: Lunch @ Clemeti with my baby 28 Jan 04 :: Meeting my baby, Dental Appt 02 Feb 04 :: Facial 03 Feb 04 :: Meeting my baby!(Library then dinner at Pasta Cafe) 04 Feb 04 :: Collecting CF card & Clie 05 Feb 04 :: Auston Information Session (Rescheduled) 06 Feb 04 :: Career Talk 07 Feb 04 :: Meeting my baby! 14 Feb 04 :: Dee's engagement, Meeting my baby(Yawn... unromantic day) 15 Feb 04 :: Lazing at home 17 Feb 04 :: Update my CV (Almost done!) 18 Feb 04 :: 4th Month! 20 Feb 04 :: Time Off (I need sleep) 22 Feb 04 :: Mango Pie & Strawberry Pie Day 23 Feb 04 :: Dental Appt 27 Feb 04 :: Staff Retreat at Sentosa 29 Feb 04 :: Phototaking at Bidadari Cemetery, Old Changi Hospital & Fairypoint 06 Mar 04 :: Interview, Arrival of Wireless connection! 10 Mar 04 :: Interview 12 Mar 04 :: Coffee session with dee @ Holland V 13 Mar 04 :: Slack, meeting my baby! 14 Mar 04 :: Spending time with baby! 18 Mar 04 :: 5th Month! 20 Mar 04 :: Movie with baby 21 Mar 04 :: Spending time with baby 22 Mar 04 :: Dinner with baby 26 Mar 04 :: Medical Appt (Yum. Lunch at Sizzler's) 27 & 28 Mar 04 :: Lazing with baby 31 Mar 04 :: Photography at Stamford Library with marmie and baby monster (Dinner at S11, shopping at SLS, gossiped while baby read his comics) 04 Apr 04 :: Watching The Passion of The Christ at Lido (Free tix courtesy of Jeremy) 05 Apr 04 :: Coffee session at Starbucks-Liat with Dee, Rudi and my baby monster! 07 Apr 04 :: Farewell lunch with Directors, Farewell party by students 08 Apr 04 :: Farewell lunch with colleagues, Last day in "hell"! 09 Apr 04 :: Baby came over! 10 Apr 04 :: Changi boardwalk photography outing 14 Apr 04 :: Photography outing 17 Apr 04 :: East Coast photography outing 18 Apr 04 :: 6 months! 19 Apr 04 :: Baby goes for reservist :( 20 Apr 04 :: Bikini shopping (Haagen Daaz treat! Yum!)
22 Apr 04 :: Trim eye brows day, Dental Appt
24 Apr 04 :: Spa session
25 Apr 04 :: Sentosa photography outing
05 May 04 :: 23rd Birthday (Met my baby! Hung out at Winebar)
08 May 04 :: Studio Shoot, Hang out with Stef
To be scheduled :: KL/Penang/Hong Kong/Perth Trip, Starbucks sessions, Take pics ard town, Weekend Getaway, Visit to Verlin's place etc...
Wishlist
VCDs :: How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days (I have this! Derek bought it for me!), Phone Booth, Legally Blond 2, Immortal Beloved, Amelie, Turn Left Turn Right, , Under the Tuscan Sun, Mona Lisa Smile
DVDs :: LOTR!, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, The Pianist
Movies :: First 50 Dates, You Got Served
Books :: Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, Tuesdays with Morrie, Rich Dad Poor Dad, Life of Pi, Who Moved My Cheese, Le Divorce, etc...
Try to :: Be a good understanding girlfriend, Spend more quality time with my baby, Be nicer to people around me, Not take people for granted, Be less anal and critical, Spend
less, Save more, Wake up early, Sleep less, Get started on Projects, Save for further studies, Stick to PSS, Read more to broaden mind, Widen social circle, Pay more attention to my appearance, Go out and explore Singapore, Exercise and tone my body, Utilise my Clie, Get my driving license, Start studies, Blog more often, Keep my room clean, Revamp this entire site and move to new domain...
Buy :: iBook, Toshiba/Fujitsu Laptop, Lomo L-CA/Canon SLR (EOS 30) & DSLR (EOS 300D), More Female Essentials (read: tops, bottoms, shoes, bags, accessories, makeup etc etc. Sigh.)
Quit ::
Taking cabs, Smoking, Mindfucking myself and being such a BITCH!
Hair ::
Keep my hair long
Bodyart ::
Navel piercing, Tattoos
Attend ::
Theatre performances, Musical Concerts
Learn ::
Spanish (again), Salsa, Tango, Belly Dancing, Waltz, Yoga, Shiatsu Massage, Driving, Horseback Riding, Golf, Photography, Digital Media creation(Graphics, Flash, Geek stuff etc)
Experience ::
Wakeboarding, Parasailing, Parachuting, Hot-Air Ballooning, Scuba Diving, Backpacking, Archery
Expeditions ::
Escape Theme Park, Sentosa Musical Fountain, Botanical Gardens, Stadium Waterfront, Altivo, Butterfly Trail, Har Par Villa, Night Safari, Zoological Garden, Singapore Cable Car, Asian Civilisation Museum, Singapore Art Museum, Turf Club, Bar Sa Vanh, Indochine, Tea Chapter, The Courtyard, The Chocolate Bar, Lawry's Buffet
Escapades ::
Rasa Sentosa, Hotel 1929, Ritz Carlton
Travel ::
Europe, Egypt, Bangkok, KL, Penang, Bintan, Hong Kong, Australia, NZ
Wishing for ::
Spa treatments, Manicure/Pedicures, Aromatherapy candles, New gadgets, Photography Equipment, Travelling funds, More books and CDs!!!
Archive
Credits
Modified from MKdesign
Powered by Blogger
Programme used :: HTMLed
Pro, Adobe Photoshop, Macromedia Dreamweaver
Copyright by Elyssa Chervonne 2003
Random Thoughts of a Demented Soul Presents
::
Sunday, July 18, 2004
I have finally started writing over at the other side: vanisia.autumnsunset.com... but do bear with me as I try to do up the design...
Guess I won't really be using this site anymore...
So do remember to check out vanisia.autumnsunset.com!
Moving!
This site is closed for maintenance. Need to move the data to the domain, everything should be up latest by Friday!
Meanwhile... maybe you can enjoy some of these...
Ang moh lian in action...
Sorting Out My Thoughts
I feel low.
I have one hundred and one thoughts in my conscious mind and many more lurking subconsciously. These thoughts haunt me even while I'm asleep.
It wasn't the first time I woke up in the middle of the night spooked. Weird dreams aside, I may have developed this unusual habit of speaking in my sleep. It also wasn't the first time I woke up and realised as much as I wanted someone to comfort me, I had none. Everyone was dead to the world in that ungodly hour.
I'm beginning to question everything in my life and I really wonder if I deserve more than all the baggages which I've been carrying, intentionally or unintentionally. If I had my way, I would glady exchange my life for another. Or something on a lesser scale, I would change almost everything in my life... family, relationship(s) etc and start anew.
Yeah. I could do with a new start. I wouldn't have done the things I had done. In fact I might have done it differently and not choose those people whom I've been with. Waste of time, waste of youth and finally, a huge waste of money for that particular relationship I had 2 years ago.
Sure, they might have tried and so did I. But somehow, somewhere down the line, that elusive yet loosely termed feeling called love turned into nonchalance and later to massive dislain on my part. Why has it come to this? I wonder...
Did it stem from being taken for granted or from being suffocated? Did I have a point to prove? Or it was merely a process? To wake up from my slumber and decide to either stay or leave to continue on my own path?
Regrets? No. I'm glad to have walked on. Yet to know I have no pleasant memories worth remembering. It's sad. But it doesn't warrant any grief. But it's grievious to know the ones I loved couldn't or wouldn't love me back. What great irony to know the one I loved most was the one I could never be with. I loved him, but to topple the equation, he belonged to another.
Maybe it is true, love just isn't enough.
It takes so much more than "love" for a relationship to work out. Or perhaps, it should start from trying to differentiate between all the various degrees of like/love we hold for a person and drawing a conclusion... if this is worth staying for, worth compromising for.
I once had the world on my feet yet I felt suffocated. The initial feelings mistaken as love turned to hate and finally I burned that bridge.
I once had a chauffeur and sugar daddy combined yet it was pure misery. The tradeoff was a series of betrayals that I could never forget nor forgive. One of my biggest regrets. Till now I never understood why I stayed...
I once had a huge joke played on me. Karma perhaps but at least I did prove a theory correct. It is always possible to learn to love someone, if you are willing to. Except now I realised there is nothing to love in the first place. I must be too blinded with the idea of being in love. Staying and compromising even when things clearly weren't right and even while I was taken for granted...
If I could turn back time, I would have erased these and more. Would it have made me a happier person? I wouldn't know...
But one thing for sure, being taken for granted is definitely not on the agenda and there should be no compromising for this.
I'm Not Disappointed, I'm Just Feeling Guilty
For those in the know, I just wish you can stop with all the sympathy.
I'm not upset. I am not hard up for it anyway. Sure it has its perks but seriously I wonder if all the trade offs are worth it. If I feel anything right now, it's only guilt. Guilt for disappointing those who have placed high hopes on me... for disappointing those who are counting on me. I feel like such a failure to them.
Well... perhaps I'd write more about that waitressing thingy later.
I Want To Break Free
So I've finally taken the first step to get away from this cage.
Now it's 30 days (or less) to end of hell!
Yay!!! Finally my pocket will have a good rest. :)
I Wish The Earth Would Open Up And Swallow Me
I've never felt so tortured. I think this morning is the most miserable day of my life thus far.
From the moment I opened my eyes, all I longed for was for the earth to open up and swallow me. It took an immense effort to even get out of the house. I was taking deep breaths while going down the flights of stairs and desperately fighting the urge to turn around and just head back home...
While waiting by the roadside for a cab, I felt this sudden urge to cry. Suddenly the world seems so frightening and I felt like a lost little girl standing at the side of the road. I was desperately wishing for someone to come along, anyone, just to take me away to a safer place. A place where I don't have to be filled with dread every morning, where I don't have to feel like a sheep being led to the slaughter house.
I desperately wish I'm home right now... I just want to be back in my room, in my safe cocoon.
I think I've had enough with lying to myself. I seriously hate my work and I hate this place. I think it's time to say goodbye.
This Is It!
Ok! I'm fucking mightily pissed. I was happily listening to music and surfing around when, horror of horrors, I stumbled onto a site with embedded background music! It doesn't help that my speakers are usually on real loud so imagine my shock when some other song drowned out Les Nubians?!?! It is soooo fucking annoying!!!
It is especially annoying when I'm surfing at work... and I stumble into a site that streams music. Hell... it's like a big bright neon sign that spells "Skiving alert!". In instances like those, I'd hurriedly close the damn window. Grrr...
Those anti-piracy companies ought to pay me to surf around tracking those sites which has infringed copyrights by streaming music... But I think a better idea would be to show those people tit for tat... imagine if they accidently stumble into my site and I start streaming interesting stuff like people moaning (ala jap porn style) or nails scratching across the chalkboard kinda sounds!
Now that would show 'em! Hmmpf!
Edited: Tsk! What torture... I stumbled onto another site... this time it's much much worse! This site is streaming a self composed- self sung christian song! Oh my fucking gawd! Now I'm seriously seriously traumatised...
Just A Click of The Mouse!
I've been caught up with trying to install Gallery on the server when I realised it can be done with just a click of the mouse! Argh! And to think that for the past couple of days I've been pulling my hair with frustration...
So many things has happened recently and so many thoughts ran through my head but I've yet to write any of them down. I really should get round to doing it soon. Soon. That is a word I use all too often. I need to stop procrastinating and start writing/doing before I conveniently forget again.
Meanwhile, yes yes, a mental note to myself to upload the pics taken at Bidardari and Old Changi Hospital. Now I hope I can get ahold of the connection. I swear it's annoying having to fight with the guys for it... Grrr...
*Edited: Finally managed to get the Gallery up!
This Is Getting Unbearable
Another Monday, another week of crappy days and this immense dread that can only be attributed to work.
I wish I'm really a sheep and maybe I'll just enjoy my work. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll blindly follow when someone tells me the directions, at least I'd never have to worry about which way to go. Shall I take this path or that? How about the straight or the curvy one?
Maybe if emotions never come to play, things will be easier? I wouldn't give a damn about passion for the job and just think of the money involved. That will surely be a huge motivation. Sure, money is a great way to make the world go round. Look at all the aspiring tai-tais out there.
The truth is, I'm awfully unhappy. Money can only do so much and surely there's something wrong when it no longer motivates. Everyday is still the same ol' drag. I continue to abhor this mundance existence. I continue to whine and gripe about my pathetic life when I'm truly in denial. I'm just trying to buy some time before leaping off this sinking ship. Except I'm already drowning.
Is it pure coincidence that all three times I've attended training and done those self-test thingies, all three times the results show that I dislike my job? Hell it even shows in my handwriting...
Fear is a killer. I'm afraid of moving forward, of finding out what the future might bring yet I desperately want to know if it's going to be better than this shithole I'm stuck in. I need a glimpse of hope to keep me going cos right now I feel so lost, so helpless. It's decision making time yet I'm pushing it back. Waiting. For what I do not know...
I don't even know what I want anymore, I can't see beyond this need to escape from this place.
A Song For Monster
I can't help waking up amazingly early today - 7am!!!
And it doesn't help that I have this song buzzing in my head... so I need to post this. It is such an apt song!
I'll Stand by You - The Pretenders
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes,
Come on and come to me now...
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through,
'Cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess could make me love you less...
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let anybody hurt you
I'll stand by you...
So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now,
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well, I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along 'cause even if you're wrong...
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let anybody hurt you
I'll stand by you...
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own...
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let anybody hurt you
I'll stand by you...
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let anybody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let anybody hurt you
I'll stand by you...
Which Is It?
I can't seem to decide which is worse...
Growing up pampered with nothing to worry for, only to realise when you are grown that you can't continue to have such a rosy life cos responsibility beckons? Or being broke all your life and wanting to get out of this cycle?
Sigh. Either way the outcome seems to be the same - depression.
This Feeling Sucks
If I can give you the world, I would.
If I can lessen this burden you carry, I would.
But I can't and I don't know how I can carry you out of this rut.
I'm helpless. But I'll try nevertheless...
To Laugh Or To Cry
I can't decide if I should be flattered with the recent attention given by males. In the first place I don't understand how on earth I could warrant such attention...
I mean look at me. I look like a walking human panda!
First was a "stalker" who waylaid me on my way to the Ladies... then there was the friendly bloke at one of the canteens... plus some others I shan't name. Of course there are always those playing the fishing game - calling or smsing me once in a blue moon to see if I'm available.
What's up?!?!
I swear everyone is turning crazy. Heh.
But one thing is for sure... I attract multi-nationalities. Go me! :P
Me Snobbish?
My aunt walked into my room and saw a picture of me taken quite a while ago. Taking a closer look at the smiling face in the photo, she looked at me again and spoke in Teochew.
Aunt: You should smile more often. Otherwise you look very snobbish. Not friendly at all.
Then she walked out....
Well I know I look somewhat unfriendly when I don't smile but I sought another opinion anyway...
bunnie : i look dao (snobbish) meh?
marmie : yes
marmie : aloof
marmie : cold
bunnie : how?
marmie : inapproachable
bunnie : serious?
bunnie : dao meh???
bunnie : hrmmmpfff
marmie : yup
marmie : hahahahhahahaha
bunnie : hmmmpppffff
marmie : except the first time i met u, u didnt look as dao
marmie : nt like hw u r, as time goes on
marmie : muahahahahhahaha
marmie : ok ok
marmie : no no
marmie : u look very frenly!!!
bunnie : *wonder what went wrong*
bunnie : must be the braces...
bunnie : dare not show teeth
bunnie : must be
marmie : guess u jst sunk into depression?
bunnie : denial u mean
marmie : told u, as time goes on, u look more n more unhappy
marmie : like i look at ur old pics,
marmie : whn u were 17? 18?
marmie : u look more approachable there
marmie : hmmm
marmie : try askin other ppl
marmie : those u jst met
marmie : see if they feel the same
marmie : like i said.. funny thing is, first time i met u, u didnt look dao
marmie : so to me, u arent
marmie : but i imagine, if i didnt noe u,
marmie : n im jst checkin u out, as a girl,
marmie : id think u r unapproachable
marmie : very defensive
marmie : guarded i mean
marmie : oi darlin! dun ignore me leh!
marmie : ok ok.. u look tweet n pweety!!
marmie : n very very fwenli!
marmie : :X
bunnie : i went to gets cigs...
bunnie : i found a mango waiting instead
marmie : chey
bunnie : so how can i resist
marmie : ok anyway
bunnie : mmm... dao meh???
marmie : y suddenly keep askin?
bunnie : hhmmmpppffff
marmie : whos been tokin to u?
bunnie : dunch tell u
marmie : LOL
marmie : not dao as in proud
marmie : but aloof.. guarded.. unapproachable
marmie : or is tht inapproachable
bunnie : ice maiden?
marmie : not tht ice yet
marmie : jst harder to approach
marmie : y u suddenly askin bout the dao part?
marmie : jst guarded
marmie : n.. i think males n females will tell u different things
marmie : so shld ask both
Hrmpppffff!!!
So now can anyone answer me? Do I really look snobbish?!?!?!?!
Tell!! Tell!!
Love Test
Did this and here are the results:
1. You are attracted to those who have split personality, like cold as ice on the outside, but hot as fire in the heart.
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you feel irresistable is patience, never give up on you.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is optimistic.
4. What you hate most in your partner is that the person is ruthless, cold-blooded, and/or ironic.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your partner is that both of you can talk about everything and anything, no secret is kept.
6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything wrong after marriage.
7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married, you'll treasure it and your partner very much.
8. At this moment, you think of love as a committment for both parties.
Gadgets Rocks My Paws
ferris : why so much into gadget?
ferris : u not behaving like a gal
bunnie : bleh
bunnie : gadgets!!!
bunnie : lomo cam!!! slr!!! dslr!!! film scanner!!! dry boxes!!! lenses!!! new cf cards!!! tripod!!!
ferris : hahahah
ferris : tsk tsk
bunnie : but end of day... i'll prolly die cos all the equipment too heavy
bunnie : wahahahahaha
ferris : duh?
bunnie : bleh
bunnie : ppl buy lv and prada...
bunnie : i buy ampro and canon
bunnie : wahahahaha
bunnie : i'm such a weirdo
ferris : hahaha
ferris : yeah
ferris : u are weird alright
ferris : no prada no LV but gadgets?
ferris : u are weird
ferris : u are a man!
And for the geek programmer in you... visit this site!
MTV Asia Awards
I just realised my "twin" had gone to the awards. I wish had accompanied him... all the cute guys and girls. It sure beats staying home and having a boring Saturday. Yawn.
Psst... the lead singer of Simple Plan is soooo cute! Me love bad boys. Oh yeah! *drools*
*edited: One of these days... I'm gonna braid my hair like BoA did. Been wanting to braid for years! Gosh...
Stupid F***ing Star
I shall rant...
The top management of that stupid organisation should just topple over and die. Stupid arses created such a mess that urgent statistics were needed. It's just plain stupid. Grrr...
I haven't had time to prepare my speech for later and my article is not done. My head is currently on the chopping board. Not that I care. I just can't be bothered anymore...
Gawd I'm feeling so drowsy... can't wait for the day to be over.
And it came to my attention that a seemingly small matter has been blown out of proportion. I personally don't see the point but then again, it's none of my business. I have other matters to worry and think about...
Meanwhile... yawn. Work sucks.
Office Delivery
A good friend's bf arranged for a bouquet of chocolates to be delivered to the office which resulted with her squealing in delight.
friend : what shall i give in return?
me : dunno...
me : the bj of his life?
friend : ...
Of course this is coming from me... the one whose brain kept going "yes please" to every question asking for the "sex" (gender) of the applicants. :P
I'm Still Here
She called my name as I walked out from the station. I marvelled that I actually heard her since I'm usually quite deaf.
Standing in the middle of nowhere, we proceeded to catch up. It's been months since we last met and longer since we last sat at the mac tables with the rest gossiping about our lecturers.
Yet there we stood as she updated me on her life and enquired about mine. She, the lost Honours student with one final semester left. Me, the lost person who abhors her work with a passion and yearns for a return to school.
It's been so long and everyone has moved on. The guys are coming out from NS, and the girls, well, I'm envious to know that most of them are either in Aussieland or have graduated and returned to be in the advertising/PR industry.
I wish I'm one of them in Oz... I have always wanted to go overseas (non-asian countries) and never come back since I was 13. I would gladly drop everything just to be anywhere but here.
Sigh.
Work Is Such a Dread
Something is terribly wrong. It must be... It is only Monday and I'm already looking forward to the weekend, wishing it will come faster.
I'm only happy waking up on mornings when I don't have to come to work. I hate waking up to know I have to spend my day smiling at stupid asses who stinks.
I SO FUCKING HATE WORKING IN NUS... someone should just plant a bomb in this freaking place.
Note: If you are offended cos you're a huge NUS lover, pls do me a favour... take your fist and shove it up your freaking ass.
The Priss???
The Priss
Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf)
Deliberate (as opposed to Random): Makes decisions carefully, Is aware of, and weighs consequences. Takes time to think things through.
Brutal (as opposed to Gentle): More selfish than average. Selectively moral.
Love (as opposed to Sex): Love is subject's primary motivation
Dreamer (as opposed to Master): Relatively innocent. Unjaded. Possessing undiscovered potential. Evolving.
Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.
Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.
These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.
You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.
ALWAYS AVOID: The Playboy, The Loverboy
CONSIDER: The Manchild
Test taken from http://devel.okcupid.com/
Repressed Anger
Losing Grip - Avril Lavigne
Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say
I was left to cry there,
Waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone
Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place
When you turn around can you recognize my face
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't ok
I was left to cry there
Waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
When I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don't care then I don't care we're not going anywhere
Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care If you don't care then i don't care we're not going anywhere
Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for one reason or another - possibly, you made one tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't commit. In any case, you are faithless and joyless. You find no happiness, love, or acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most days are a burden and you wonder when the hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching picture. You are the one that few understand. Those that do know you are likely to love you deeply and wish that they could do something to ease your pain. You are constantly living in memories of better times and a better world. You are hard on yourself and self-critical or self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved, you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite your tainted nature, your soul is breathtakingly beautiful.
Paul Van Dyk
PAUL VAN DYK (Vandit - Berlin) at ST JAMES POWERHOUSE (Singapore)
22nd Jan Chinese New Year Day
Pre-sale tickets will be limited to 1,500 and will only be released for sale on Mon 12th Jan
(10 days before the event) at HMV, SISTIC and Centro.
======================
Ticket prices:
Presale/ Door Sale $38 (includes 2 drinks)
VIP - $88 (includes 2 drinks; and VIP entry plus VIP lounge area in 2nd Room)
Available From:
Monday 12 Jan 2004 at HMV Heeren, HMV Citylink & Centro Office (Level 2, One Fullerton)
Warm up DJ : Space 2020 (Centro) Explorer DJ Yukun
Location: St James Powerhouse is a big warehouse (old disused powerhouse) on the left just before you go into Sentosa Bridge. If you coming by public transport, take MRT to Harbour Front. If driving, pls park at the Seah Im Hawker Center car park (opposite ex-WTC) or ex-WTC itself. Only Max 10 mins walk. If by cab, just tell the uncle "Sentosa Bridge"!
Note: Hmmm... I need someone to buy tix for me... *hint hint*
1st Work Day of 2004
I suck! I freaking woke up late today! Argh! Yes... I donated more cash to feed a poor cabbie's starving family.
What a great start to the new year. Grrr...
As they say, old habits die hard. Hope I can gradually curb this cab-taking habit in line with my resolution.
More updates about 1st Jan later...
1st January!
Oh my gawd! I just read through my list of resolutions and discovered that they show how lacking I am! I am so ashamed. :P
Talk about boring, I actually stayed home this year! I amaze myself. Even my parents did a double take when they realised I wasn't heading out... Heh. But good thing my baby is here.
Meanwhile, here is a link I "borrowed" from InfoLands. How apt, it's about new year resolutions and it is hilarious! Well, to me anyway.
I foresee myself waking up later and going "doh!" with the realisation that I have a whole list of resolutions to keep. I shall survive! I can succeed! *strikes zen pose*
Bah!
Resolutions for 2004
- be more filial and respectful towards elders
- learn to do household chores better
- learn to cook and bake
- procrastinate less and be more decisive
- be more neat and tidy
- sleep less and be less lazy
- be more proactive and be more attentive to details
- be less depressive and pessimistic
- be less anal and critical
- be more appreciative of people and things around me
- be more hardworking and serious
- participate in enriching activities to widen mind
- have patience to learn
- maintain relations with friends and family
- re-establish lost relationships with friends
- remain genuine and be more sociable
- widen social circle
- lose weight, get toned
- exercise and be more health conscious
- pay more attention to my appearance
- be more ladylike and dress up more often
- learn how to make up properly and use them more often (bring on the warpaint!)
- be more understanding, less irritable and throw less tantrums
- delve deeper into spirituality
- be a better girlfriend and make Derek happier
- be more encouraging and give support to Derek
- be a nice bitch, not a cruel/heartless bitch
- be more prudent and save for future/holidays
- try to pamper myself, Derek & family
- clear all my remaining debts
- take less cabs and take more buses and trains instead
- put more effort to be better person
- get my driving licence
- get back to studies and do well
- be less forgetful
- be more even tempered
- be less prone to jealousy and possessiveness
- be a better "nurse" to Derek when he is sick
- be less bimbotic :P
Goodbye 2003, Hallo 2004
They say how you spend welcoming the new year is how the coming year will be like. I would like to say that I am non-superstitious and I don't believe in such crap, but the truth is, I do.
I remember the last 31st December vividly. I spent the entire day deciding what I should do: Expo, Zouk or... home? I woke up from my nap later that evening, still undecided on a location and thinking perhaps I really ought to stay home, till I received a last minute call from daddie clive. He was bored and I was trying to get out somewhere, he convinced me to go to the Sentosa foam party since he was too broke to go to either Zouk or Expo.
The queue for the bus ride into Sentosa was long, and the roads were jammed. The minutes creeped closer and closer to midnight. We managed to get on the bus at 11ish and prayed hope against hope to get to the destination in time to see the fireworks. Which we did, from a distance. Both of us and the busload of people were trapped in the midst of a traffic jam, on the bridge leading to Sentosa! Fucking hell. It was so close...
When we finally got off the bus and headed towards the beach, many people were heading home. They have welcomed the new year in the way they wanted to... but we had just started after the initial disappointment.
The stupid place was teeming with people of all shapes and sizes. I stared in amazement at the crowd. There were babes with hot bodies strutting about in their bikinis, there were the not so babelicious females showing off their not so hot bodies, there were cute guys, there were not so cute guys and there were so many... BANGALAS! Armed with digital cameras (goodness knows how they can afford one), they were eyeing all the females and probably mentally stripping them. It was a nightmare.
I remember the only enjoyment I had was the slow walk along the beach after 6am and watching the dark clouds slowly light up with pink and orange hues. It was a tranquil and beautiful morning but I felt so alone... so detached even with daddie right beside me.
Somehow, that was how my year turned out. It was a roller coaster ride with its many ups and downs - a result from being stuck on the bus in the middle of nowhere perhaps.
I hardly clubbed in 2003. I retreated into a world of my own and was the centre of the storm, often detached from people and things around me. I lost friends and I gained friends. I fell but picked myself up. I've been depressed many times yet maintained a grip on myself. I've seen people around me go through a range of emotions. I had my fair share of attention which died down when I showed no interest. I had my past catching up on me and men crawling back. I started this blog to document my thoughts but so far I still keep most thoughts to myself. I was apprehensive when it came to human relationships. Tired of all the games, dreary with the fakeness and weary of everything. I sank deep into a pool of cynism and kept my distance off everything. Till Derek came into my life.
I was looking through our past chat archives and wondered how it all started, just when I was resigned to being Miss Independent. Perhaps it is true, love comes when you least expect it.
With the ending of the year, there has been many melancholic moments and self reflection. There has been many heartaches and as well as many blissful moments. I lost some, but I gained some. I may have gained knowledge by being a bystander yet I can never fully grow as a person till I experience everything for myself.
Hopefully in the new year, I can become a better person.
May all my friends and love ones have a great year ahead and all their wishes come true!
Recapping
Nothing much happened over the past couple of weeks.
I watched Return of the King with Derek and my ah beng (affectionate term for my younger bro) during the Saturday when the movie was first released. There weren’t any tickets left through Phone Booking so I had to go to the cinema in the morning to get the tixs for the 10pm show. Damn the queue was long but I managed to get them. Unfortunately it was the 2nd (or was it the 3rd) row seats.
That evening, Derek and I went for dinner at Country Manna first before meeting up with ah beng for the movie. The guys went into the theatre while I went to the ladies. When I went in, the first words I uttered was “shut up”. The seats were really near the damn screen! Stupid cinema. So what did my baby do? He just commented that at least we paid less then it costs to go to the iMax theatre. Hmpf! Sarcasm! But the 3 and half hour show was quite a torture being so near the screen. I was squirming and fidgeting throughout the movie and getting quite restless.
I’m sure many loved the movie. The effects were amazing. Legolas is droolsome. But frankly, I was disappointed. The freaking movie is nothing like the book! The ending ain’t right! The shire was ruin! All was not fine and dandy as the ending portrayed and Legolas shooting the huge elephant-like thingy scene is plain stupid. Liv Taylor is redundant. There are many gayish scenes and Frodo is useless!
I was so aghast at the movie I was whining my displeasure to Derek and my brother. Derek who has never seen the two previous movies couldn’t catch much head or tails about it so I ended up giving him a brief summary of the three books as we walked home. Both of us being readers of the “Dragon Lance” series agreed that it’s always better to read the books. Too often the movie adaptions are disappointing.
It has been raining incessantly the past couple of weekends and that night was no different. I spent much of the walk home avoiding puddles of water. When I stopped in the middle of my tracks to contemplate how to cross a huge puddle, my baby did the sweetest thing! He carried me! *swoons*
The next day, both of us accompanied my mum, aunt and uncle to Chinatown. I finally collected my five choices of a new name. Supposedly they have the same meaning which is better than my current. Let’s see, the choices are Yu Qin (same as my current but different characters), Ling Xi (ewww!), Xuan Ting (I like the sound of this one), Yu Qi and Yu Ling. Now which one will I choose? I have no idea… Maybe for convenient’s sake I shall stick to Yu Qin.
We went for Dim Sum that day and all of us ate like the gluttons that we are. When the rest had their fill, I managed to squeeze in two Char Siew paos. Dim Sums are never complete without them! Yum.
Poor baby fell sick that day though. I think he caught a chill somehow and I felt quite helpless. Sometimes I think I am too rusty with all the relationship bits. I don’t know how to respond! Sigh.
It seems everyone was in a holiday mood during the week of Christmas. I was busy clearing my sty of a cubicle at work and looking forward to a break. Christmas Eve was fun in a way; everyone in the office ate, laughed and was merry. Later that night I went out for supper with my baby. But nope, no church. As I loudly proclaimed to Nick, mass is a fucking waste of time. He suggested that we stone all the stupid Christians while they were at mass. Heh.
During my short break, I feel somewhat accomplished. There was the usual lazing, my new habit of sleeping at odd hours (which sucks when I have work the next day), completing a project for my dad and I managed to do clear parts of my room and the wardrobe! I also managed to transfer my stuff to the new computer. There was also the annoying competition for the use of cable that is currently shared by my dad, ah beng and myself.
Back to the wardrobe bit. I realized I have so many maximisers it is disgusting! My mum actually bought them for me to help me boost my (sorely lacking) assets. It is also disgusting to know that I’m so wasteful I hardly wear them. :P
Clearing my wardrobe is the single most annoying thing I ever do each year. I am thankful this time I manage to do the clearance without any hindering from the old farts. Imagine! A bunch of aunties in the room gossiping while watching your every move as you pick out something you intend to discard… They pick up the selected article and start giving their comments! The never-ending comments of how wasteful I am from those old farts makes me want to wring their necks. Grrr… *bares braces* Luckily they have all developed this habit of going out every weekend and even on weekdays! But they will still go through the pile of clothes at the end and make noise as usual.
Which reminds me, I have too many unused makeup and perfumes too... Bleh.
Feeling Low
I feel so low. Low low low low... everything and everyone just irritates me.
Wish I can just hide somewhere quiet, somewhere where nobody can find me, then hug myself and weep.
I don't know why I feel so disappointed, so despaired... so teary. I don't know why, but I just feel this way.
I hate people... I just want a penknife now.
Shot By Arrows
Sometimes when I'm imaginative, I visualise an arrow sticking out from where my heart is - a cupid's arrow.
Now if I just have one arrow, it wouldn't be too bad right? Afterall the arrow is a good arrow. I'm in love and all is fine and dandy.
But as I visualise further, I see another arrow. Now this arrow isn't good at all. In fact it makes me feel like Bugs Bunny... You see, the arrow is sticking at my butt! It's almost as if I have a huge target board there and a bright neon sign that says "Aim Here!".
Work... Sigh. I swear I can get heart attacks sometimes.
Thunder Thighs and Belly of Love
My mum asked me as I walked out of the kitchen... "Why are your thighs so huge?"
I shrugged and told her I've put on weight. Subconsiously rubbing my bloated belly at the same time, thus reinforcing my point.
A few minutes later on the phone...
Me: My mum say I have huge thighs! *whines*
Derek: Good what! It shows you're well fed.
Me: But... I'm fat! I have thunder thighs! I have a huge belly!
Derek: No you do not, it just means I feed you well. In fact we've both put on weight.
Sigh.
Thunder thighs and belly of love... not forgetting my arms! My arms! Flabby! Argh. I am beginning to look more and more like my carebears.
I wonder if there is any way I can trim these excess fats. Suggestions anyone?
10 Truths About Relationships
Want a long-term, satisfying relationship? If so, you need to do more than meet interesting ppl. To save urself frm the confusion & frustration that accompany dating, you need to apply some relationship truths to your search for a mate.
Here are the top 10 truths:
1. Until you resolve past relationships, you are not free to have future relationships. Can't seem to meet the right person? You likely have unresolved past relationships holding you back from attracting people.
2. If you feel empty, trying to date and find a mate will most likely make you feel even emptier. Desperately looking for a relationship, with some part of your life on hold? People sense neediness and stay away.
3. True sexual intimacy has very little to do with how the body looks. Rather, it has everything to do with emotional intimacy and trust. No matter what size or shape your body, you can still be loved. People feel attracted to a wide range of body types and sizes.
4. It's much easier to be yourself than to be what you think others want you to be. If you are not being yourself, you are doing yourself a disservice. Our pretenses never really fool anyone. People somehow see right through us anyway.
5. A relationship with a foundation of dishonesty, deception or the withholding of information is like a house of cards. As such, it will fall at the slightest provocation. One of the main reasons relationships fail is that the two people can't be honest with each other. It is not that most people lie, but that most people do not know how to tell the truth about their feelings and needs.
6. Being a people-pleaser is not an effective way to create good relationships. Acting for others is actually just an effective way to be taken advantage of. Many singles give their potential partners too much in order to entice them into the relationship. People rarely stay in relationships because of what they can get from you. Giving over the top only buys love and affection on a temporary basis.
7. Until you realize that a great relationship is created by who you are, you won't have one. It is your most natural, authentic self that will attract the relationship you want. It is again who you are in that same authentic way that will give you the power to shape a relationship to be infinitely fulfilling.
8. Until you love yourself enough to take care of your needs, no one else will. People who look for a relationship to fulfill needs and hopes are looking for heartache. Dating and relationships are not about fulfilling needs -- that is what friends, family and you are for.
9. What people do to you is rarely about you and is almost always about them. Don't take the actions of others personally. This is a profound truth because once you grasp it, your relationships will be transformed. Think about it.
10. This is not a dress rehearsal -- this is your life and your relationships in progress. Start today to create your life the way you want it to be.
Note: I "borrowed" the above from somewhere... wise words don't you think?
What A Weekend
The weekend just whizzed past and I don't even know what hit me. Wait, I know.
I was at Sunset Bay on Saturday watching my baby indulge in his passion - volleyball. Being such a lazy bunnie, it took an immense effort for me to wake up. Poor Derek had to keep nagging and poking my ribs till I finally hauled my fat arse off the bed. While he got ready in a flash, I was busy pottering around the house... trying to get ready albeit in super slow motion.
Sentosa was fine. The grey skies thoroughly dampened my mood but I figure it's a lot better than too much sun. I can't stand having too much sun. I hate perspiring and I hate tan-lines. I wouldn't mind nude suntanning though, but as we all know, it isn't allowed here in Singapore. But that's the only way I can avoid tan-lines! You see, you never know when you need to show off your body and that is the last thing that should be shown! Imagine... patches of dark and light brown. Maybe people ought to take up moon-tanning instead. At least it wouldn't cause skin cancer and people won't end up walking around with ugly tan-lines. But then, no one will be able to get tanned effectively... everyone would just turn out pale and ghostly!
Anyway that's just me, and as always, I digress.
Saturday was great! Despite the constant drizzle and the weather being too cold for comfort, the meet-up with Derek's volley-ball mates, their warmth and friendliness and seeing him in action made up for everything. He has always told me of his intense passion for volley and I finally got to see it for myself. And damn he looks droolsome when he plays! :P I didn't even notice how time passed, being too busy people watching and buried in my book...
Well, besides the volley bit, it was also a weekend of movies. My baby and I caught "Love Actually" on Saturday and Infernal Affairs 3 last night!
We almost didn't get to watch "Love Actually" cos the tickets were sold out at Cineplex. We were at Centrepoint's Marks & Spencer (he bought me a scented candle!) with Vivianne and Dawn before I decided that I absolutely must catch the movie (yes, I'm scary when I'm on a whim). So we proceeded to Cineplex and then to Lido when I insisted we try our luck there. My poor baby had to oblige even though he hates the weekend crowd. Our gamble paid off though. The movie was rather heartwarming and I'm so glad we manage to catch it. It did bring to mind certain thoughts that I shall write about on another day. Meanwhile, I just have to gush about how I love the British accent! Oh oh... and that cute brazilian guy whose character is Karl in the movie, he reminds me of Ric! My best friend!
But anyhow, we had to go home after the movie. Both of us were tired and cranky from the lack of sleep the night prior and poor baby had a company function at Sentosa the next day. Yes, another day in the sun (or rather, rain) for him while I get to laze before meeting him in the evening for another movie - Infernal Affairs 3! (Yes, I watch cheena movies. You got a problem with that?!)
Mmm. I can't decide what to say about the movie except it has a fine cast. But seriously, it's too confusing for this lil bimbotic bunnie. Maybe I should have watched part 1 and 2 first?
Sigh. If only time didn't have to pass so fast and I don't have to work today. How I wish it's the weekend again... I love spending time with Derek.
I Wish Money Grow on Trees
I am seriously pissed. I am desperately trying hard not to make a mountain out of a molehill but I just can't seem to calm down.
I am so sick of money issues. Having to remind you that I'm broke (even if I am not, I'm gonna tell you I am anyway), and no I don't fucking print money, nor do I fucking grow money trees. Whatever I earn, I spend or keep, they are not resources for you to run to whenever you run out of cash for 4D (cos you've been shopping yesterday) or you don't have enough for whatever... besides, I'm not daft. If I paid for the goddamn nonsense, you would conveniently forget to return the cash.
Just because I agreed to help you pay the phone bills. Ok. But that doesn't mean you can come running to me for every single fucking thing thereafter! Insurance and what nots. The more agreeable I am, the more cash seems to be slipping through my fingers.
Oh please, cut the crappy emotional blackmail bit and stop pulling a face. Stop making me feel so guilty all the time. That is the only emotion I am allowed to feel? I can't even say no without feeling lousy about myself. Why don't you go to your son then. Oh wait. He doesn't earn much. He is schooling and working part time. Sometimes I even have to be the one giving him pocket money. Tough. Well, but you always have money to send him for his martial art classes, buying his uniforms and whatever crappy stuff they are called. You might even fork out the $2000 for some stupid course he intends to take. So you can find a way can't you? (Besides cornering me with responsibilities.)
If I had been the one making the ruckus, you would probably argue that it is a bloody waste of time and money. You would make me feel so guilty, I would just give up and you will get your way. As always. I don't even remember doing anything else outside the school curriculum... anything involving cash. Whatever I spend I had to work around the pocket money for each month even if it means starving on some days. And no, I never shopped nor did I eat out. I was a geek too poor to experience the joys of spending.
I can almost sense your demands coming soon. Afterall, its the end of the year right? And everyone would normally get extra cash at the end of the year. Oh well, self preservation takes over. Call me unfilial but I will disappoint you this time. Enough is enough. There is only so much I can take. Besides, I have my own bills and loans to pay. Not forgetting that dental bill of your son, which you have kindly made me responsible for too.
Well, at least the only goddamn thankful thing is there isn't chinese writings on walls (not that I can read them anyway) or any pig heads greeting me at the door. If there is... well. Good luck to you, I'll be outta here. Fuckers.
(Note: Ok, so I over-reacted. I still love my parents. I'm still gonna let them wring me dry. Sigh.)
My Can of Worms
Just one of those days when you awake with a start, with a stark clarity of insight that leaves you stumped. You just go “oh” at the sudden realization, and you feel like such a fool for not knowing earlier.
It kind of answers the unexplained feeling of unease that you can’t quite put your finger to, that look in his eyes that said more but of which you couldn’t hear the words to. You convinced yourself it one was of the melodramatic days. Perhaps it was it is just you, a case of over sensitivity at play again.
But I’m sure I got it quite right. I just happen to see it now. He neither disapprove nor approve, standing on neutral ground though there have been times it made him annoyed. He just keeps his thoughts to himself. Yet his eyes betray him.
It was just an extreme generosity he bestowed, his sidestepping of my whims, and my preference for certain cutesy stuff. Those times when I choose to heed my childish side, times when I turn into gooey mush, chuckling and mumbling to myself.
He knew, but maybe he didn’t want to see it at play. No. Knowing was just enough, seeing would simply be plain annoying. While I found it cute, he saw no sense in that. He was not repulsed, just, not interested. Many are like that. They see no sense in my peculiar indulgence. Neither would they encourage it, as it is an embarrassment. Only they keep their thoughts to themselves.
I admit I’m an oddball. Have been this way since I was a kid, left alone to my own devices. I seek solace in an unreal world where toys became my playmates. A make believe world I created where my toys have their own identities and quirks. They speak, they sulk and they throw tantrums.
I doubt this will change. Maybe this was a way for me to heal, in a world where slight trivialities make me smile and forget my worries. In those few minutes when my toys come to life and with those unreal dramas I create, I feel important and loved in spite of myself. Then I hug them and go to sleep, hoping to feel better in the morning.
But I forget, not everyone believes in these alternative realities. Maybe, some things I ought to keep to myself.
It’s like a can full of worms that everyone knew was inside but nobody wanted to discover.
On A Dare
I am out to prove marmie and myself wrong. Wrote the first draft of a "story" last night and said I will finish the final version by today. But knowing me... there is a high possibility I won't!
Ahhh... procrastination.
So, I'm going to prove that I can finish that damn story... *cross fingers*
(Yes, I'm a dare whore... Oooh.. I love challenges. :P)
Thou Shalt Not Be Tempted
After going through forums and reading numerous reviews, I am now so tempted to splurge on a new camera with a whole lot of accessories like wide angle lens, filters, tripod and what not...
I've been whining about my bulky Olympus for the longest time even though it works perfectly fine. It's just the bulk and lack of funky manual functions that gets on my nerves. Or perhaps it's just me being picky as usual and not being thankful for what I have? But seriously, the camera is chunky, heavy and totally unglam to be seen with. Why did I get it then? Simple... it's free.
Yes, Sigh. I am a practical bitch afterall and I ought to be shot dead. Here I am wanting to learn photography but I would rather be dead then to be caught lugging a heavy chunky unglam camera about. As I was lamenting to Ferris the other day, I wish there is a way to combine both aesthetics and functionality. That way I wouldn't be caught in such a hell hole deciding which camera(s) to get.
Right now I've set my sights on the sleeker, slimmer but automatic cameras, yet at the same time, I am attracted to the functions of the better prosumer/professional bulky cameras. To add to the confusion, are the traditional film based cameras. So many factors to take into consideration and the most important of all is money.
Interestingly, I found the Ixus 400 uncomfortable. Somehow, it felt too small, too fragile in my hands. It makes me wonder if my prone-to-shaking hands coupled with its fragility will cause the pics to blur. Hmm... perhaps I ought to look at the bigger cameras after all. But that means bulky... heavy... inconvenient and non portable. Argh!
I hate temptations. Bah!
Photography is an extremely expensive hobby. Sigh.
Melting Into Him
Things are settling comfortably as the end of the year draws near. Perhaps its the calm before the storm, or perhaps its the aftermath of a storm, whatever it is, I'm relishing this comfortable and serene interlude.
The past two weekends were spent with Derek and I am thankful for his presence. He has brought a lot of cheer into my life and tries his utmost to spoil me in whichever way he can. Sometimes I feel so guilty just to see the amount of effort he is putting in.
He doesn't realise the numerous ways he makes me melt...
The many times he shuttles to and fro, just to send me home even though he lives on the other end of Singapore. The occasional night late strolls hand in hand, exchanging of cheeky whispers and kisses while waiting for the bus. The innocent way when he takes my hands and press them to his lips or when he tenderly tries to tuck that stray hair behind my ear. The way he carries me or when he simply hold me refusing to let go...
I always feel so safe and protected in his arms...
On The Wings of Love - Clay Aiken
Just smile for me and let the day begin
You are the sunlight that lights my heart within
I'm sure that you're an angel in disguise
Come take my hand and together we will rise
On the wings of love up and above the clouds
The only way to fly is on the wings of love
On the wings of love only the two of us
Together flying high
Flying high upon the wings of love
You look at me and I begin to melt
Just like the snow when the ray of sun is felt
I'm crazy bout ya baby can't you see
I'd be so delighted if you could come with me
On the wings of love up and above the clouds
The only way to fly is on the wings of love
On the wings of love only the two of us
Together flying high
Flying high up on the wings of love
Yes you belong to me
I'm yours exclusively
Right now we live and breathe together
Inseparable it seems,
We're flowing like a stream
Running free flowing on the wings of love
On the wings of love up and above the clouds
The only way to fly is on the wings of love
On the wings of love only the two of us
Lame Biscuit
They suck! They cancelled the concert! Lame-arsed dickheads... Fred Dunst ought to be shot dead!
Why the hell am I hollering for? I don't even like them... Bah!
Bored.
On another note, I read about ValuAir's search for high-class waiters/waitresses, oops I mean, flight attendants. 280 turned up for the walk-in interview. Oooh! And my friend went! She was interviewed by the Straits times, I think.
Well, I shall reserve my personal opinions regarding an occupation which involves going "coffee or tea". Afterall, it's a decent job. Like really. It's a decent job, you just dirty your hands a bit that's all. It was my aspiration for a while too! Because of the money and travelling... and oh! It's so glam! Being a high-class waitress... *pouts and flutters my eyelashes*
But too bad I'm not made to serve coffee or tea.
(I think I am setting myself up to be slapped. I'm the queen of contradication and ironies afterall. Oh shudder.)
Me Adore Mi Madre
Gotta love my mum! After a dreary long ride back from work, I was greeted with a very pleasant surprise...
My room is clean!
Apart from the bedsheets I changed yesterday, everything else is also neat and tidy! A far cry from the mess I left this morning. All thanks to my dear mum who probably took ages, now it finally looks like a female lives in the room. :P
Still... a lot of work needs to be done. I have a lot of junk that ought to be cleared. But I'm satisfied with the present state of the room for now. I'm a happy bunnie!
Meanwhile, this will be a new quest for me... to keep my room clean.
Helplessness
At times like this I wish I know what to do. Among all the feelings, the one I hate most is helplessness. It stinks. Especially when the person you care for is feeling down and you can only stand by and do nothing...
Well... of cos I can always offer words of comfort, try to cheer him up. But really, that's no help (or so at least I choose to believe). Words just seem so trival. Like, yah right, cheer up...
I know it happens to the best of us. But say for example, I lost my LV bag with my wallet in it and you tell me to cheer up... I'll prolly be thankful for your kind words... but really... how can I fucking feel cheery?!! I'm the one who lost something I really like! Sigh. (Reminds me of the time I lost my mobile... )
It's like a totally bad weekend. Sometimes I feel as if I bring him more grief than joy.
Once again I was tardy on Saturday and I caused him to be upset over matters that I shan't elaborate. Sigh. I always feel that I ought to be doing more because he deserves so much better. He deserves to be happy and loved. But somehow... the things I do seem to have the opposite effect instead of the intended.
He is often worried and I seem to make him disappointed when it shouldn't be this way at all. I feel like an added burden, always giving him unnecessary stress. I really wish I know how to be a better significant other for him. He really does matter a lot.
Sigh. Helpless...
(Maybe for a start, I should learn to be less lazy and surive on less sleep...)
And She Flipped
A few weeks ago after she had met Derek for the first time, my mum and I had a chat about relationships. That was the first time we ever a heart to heart, mother-to-daughter talk regarding this topic.
She shared stories of her past (she was hot property!) and I was proud to tell her more about Derek. We exchanged our views on men, love and marriage.
I learnt many things that night, about her and about myself. I must have inherited her genes when it comes to love. In fact I think she was rather proud that I value true love over materialism, just like her. She had her fair share of romances and rich men. But she chose my dad in the end.
However, nothing could have prepared her for what was to happen. My mum was caught unawares and struck dumb with the sudden realisation that her daughter has finally grown and it won't be long when she finally leaves the nest!
Both her and my dad seem to be in a constant state of denial. They are like Steve Martin in "Father of the Bride", always refusing to admit that I have grown. Perhaps that is how parents are, to them we will always be kids. Despite how much we try to prove our independence, they will always wave it off as a show of childish defiance, our means of getting their attention. An indication of how immature we are.
Therefore imagine my mum's surprise when I initiated a conversation regarding a subject I never seem to care much about before. She did a double take at my sudden willingness to share my views on such "adult" topics. You see, I was lamenting about the exorbitant prices of HDB flats and the costs involved in rearing kids.
She only mumbled some replies when I expressed my worries about CPF, down payments, instalments for flats and kids. But she went deathly silent when I happily rattled on on how I wouldn't mind staying with my "mother-in-law" and how I would want to stay in older flats rather than the new smaller flats because they are bigger and not located in locations like Sengkang or Punggol.
I think she must have flipped and thought "Oh my gawd! My daughter is talking about marriage, flats and kids!". But before she could recollect her senses and share her views, I had done talking and simply retreated back to my room...
I guess I must have given her a lot to think about for the next few days... Bad me. Heh. :P
No! Not Rodents!
Marmie: xxx n xxx might b goin
Me: right
Marmie: lol
Me: *turn off*
Marmie: MIGHT
Marmie: hahahahhah
Marmie: tell me bout it
Me: *majorly turn off*
Me: the possibility is enuf to kill me
Me: might...
Me: *teeters on the edge*
Marmie: muahahahahhahahah
Marmie: id only noe later
Me: *looks at the bright neon blinking sign that says: MIGHT*
Marmie: he will confirm with me later
Me: *faints*
Me: pls kill me...
Me: no but wait...
Me: i need to learn to be plastic...
Me: ahh. lesson
Marmie: hahahahaha!!!
Me: but why ah? kl already have a rodent
Me: now two?!?!
Me: wat next? 3 rodents?!?!?!
Marmie: muahahahahah
Me: r we playing the.. guess the number of rodents game?
Marmie: we will nv b rid of rodents it seems
Me: *faints*
Me: u mean to say.. xxx likes rodents
Marmie: hmmm
Marmie: yes he seems to
Marmie: except tis rodent is more likable than the last one
Marmie: at least to me
Marmie: shes nt goin to whine
Marmie: n the rodent species i hate most r whiners
Marmie: esp durin holiday trips
Me: but this one is loud
Me: *cringe*
Me: one loud and one whiny
Me: i'm gonna kill myself
Me: there is only so much i can take
Marmie: hahahahhahah
Marmie: shes nt always loud
Marmie: theres a possibility whn she nt surounded by her rodent gang tht she will tok normally
Marmie: like the time whn she tok to me
Marmie: no other rodents ard
Marmie: she actually begin to resemble a human
Me: still.. the tot disgusts me
Marmie: i noe
Marmie: we shall see
Me: btw i'm still highly disturbed
Hours later...
Marmie: xxx n xxx confirm goin!
Marmie: *gasp*
Me: *HORRIFIED*
Marmie: k final question for u
Marmie: u still wan to go hk?
Me: no
Me: never
Marmie: muahahahahhahaha
Marmie: ok ok
Me: over my dead body
Marmie: understand
Me: have fun though
Me: sigh
Me: though this way... i get to save some money
Marmie: yup u will
Marmie: *BOO HOO!!!*
Me: DSLR!
Marmie: *sob sob*
Me: HERE I COME!
Note: Names have been changed to protect the rodents. Bleh. (I do not dislike them! I just don't like to be tormented when I'm travelling...)
So it is decided... no Hongkong afterall. Sigh. Would be nice to be travelling with marmie though...
But dang... I'd rather go when Georgie boy (aka Mr Black Amex card) and Greg are around... I want them to bring me clubbing and to dine at posh restaurants! As if! :P
(Eeeeks! There goes my plan to buy roasted pigeons!!! One of my "win over the mum" tactics down the drain. Drat!)
My Baby is A Metrosexual
Derek never liked it from the start when I labelled him metrosexual... so when I came across this article, I just had to make him read it.
I think like most males, he had a misconception regarding that word.
But after he came across the following...
"Some of the most commonly labeled metrosexual prototypes include English soccer star David Beckham and screen icons Brad Pitt, Hugh Jackman and Tom Cruise. All these men are as much models as they are sports stars or actors, welcoming the not-so-furtive female gazes like the walking billboards they've become."
He now feels so flattered!!! :P
(Last night, one of my aunts said he ought to try and become a high class "coffee or tea" waiter... Hrm.)
Nonsensical Crap That Cracks Me Up
Ok, this morning started shitty enough and I need some nonsense...
An interesting article about Friendster.
A guide to Intepretating Friendster Photos.
And lastly... this!
A Sudden Rush of Pessimism
Headaches and pessimism should not go hand in hand. I found this out the hard way over the weekend.
Saturday was a lazy day for both Derek and myself. We spent the entire day after waking up doing nothing except eating, surfing the tv for interesting shows (but watching mtv mostly), trying to figure out our new domain, reading, sharing thoughts, lazing in bed and manjaing each other. The day passed swiftly and soon it was time for my darling to head home.
As I looked upon his retreating shadow from my door, I couldn't help but start missing him. Concurrently, I was assailed by an avalanche of pessimism. So I dragged myself back to my room and seated myself in front of my comp, trying to chat and trying to push those dark thoughts away.
I tried to rationalise my turbulent emotions. Well, I know for sure that I enjoy lazing around with my baby, but it just brought about too much memories of a past and I couldn't help fearing... that this will turn out like before.
I fear that while this (lazing around and enjoying each other's company) feels so right, this would set into a comfortable routine thus causing premature stagnation of the relationship. I fear he will soon get bored and decide to seek adventures elsewhere. I fear being taken for granted... but most of all, I fear he would mind... that he would mind the lingering memories at my place. But as marmie said, it's prolly just me. I can be too caught up in my past sometimes.
(Despite my fears, I know this time it's different. I've grown and changed. This is a whole new experience and it's better and more beautiful than before... At least this time, I share my mind and I daresay the feelings are mutual - we are both commited to make this work.)
As I continued to think, I started having a throbbing headache that refused to abate but kept increasing in its intensity. I was in a turmoil. Smoking only made me feel worse... keeping my eyelids open or making any movement required loads of effort.
I was too pessimistic yet to pained to do anything. The next best thing I could do was to seek comfort on my bed.
And I laid in a fetal position till sleep claimed me...
Note: I was still feeling drowsy when I woke up the next morning... bad after-effect of negativity. Argh!
The Honeymoon
I meant to write this sooner but my brain hasn't been working too well since we got back. In fact this post is long overdue as it has been many days since the Bintan trip with my darling, Derek.
After three days of being around each other constantly, it has been hard for us to get used to the idea of being separated from each other. The time together helped strengthen our relationship and I must say it is progressing faster than expected. :)
We were just platonic friends when he first asked me to accompany him on the trip. But as things got serious between both of us, it contained a different meaning entirely.
I have never been on a trip alone with another person before. I've only been overseas once with a group of friends. Thus imagine my anxiety... for the first time of my life, I was going on a trip with another person! As I have mentioned in my earlier entry, trips abroad makes u find out things about the other individual. If he was just a platonic friend, perhaps I wouldn't be so concerned but he isn't! Naturally I was worried! What if I snore, what if he thinks I'm a slob... so many "what ifs" that made me feel so self conscious.
However my worries were unfounded. Right from the start of our relationship (and even before that), Derek has been a wonderful boyfriend. He pampers me and showers me with his constant attention and affection. The trip was simply a further indulgence of his presence in my life. But for those three whole days, I had him all to myself.
From picking me up, having breakfast and taking the ferry, it all felt so natural. Have I ever mention he makes me feel at ease? All my worries faded the moment I saw him and somehow I just knew it was gonna be a great holiday. Just the two of us, the sun, sand and sea...
We spent our time lazing in our room or by the beach, taking strolls, playing in the water and eating! I have never enjoyed eating as much as I did while there. We had our breakfast in a big airy place, enjoying toast and orange juice while classical music played with the natural sound of the waves hitting against the shore.
After breakfast, we would stroll down the beach before sitting somewhere and enjoy the morning breeze. Lunch would be similar to breakfast while we would head elsewhere for dinner. That meant strolls along the dark (but safe) streets while many many stars shine overhead... Nights in our room meant drinking good wine, snuggling and enjoying each other's company...
It would have been more perfect if we were able to catch the sunrise and sunset together but we were too busy in our room... *smiles*
Still, it was truly a romantic and blissful honeymoon. Writing about it brings back fond memories and makes me wish I'm back there in the cosy room and snuggling with my baby... Sigh.
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
I'm in a fix, sorta. I hate making decisions, especially big huge, life changing ones. I'm too indecisive, procrastinates too much... and worry over the slightest issue.
Anyhow, the issue at hand? I'm deciding if I should go to Hongkong at the end of December (26th-30th) with Marmie, Funshine Komodo Dragon and Eug.
Yes, a simple problem blown out of proportion because I'm such a "worry-wart". But I can't help it! There are simply too many things to take into consideration... money, work, and most importantly, being away from my baby!
Frankly, I would love to go. It's a Christmas trip with Marmie! Besides, holidays with friends are often interesting (something about the freedom of being away from anal adults) and insightful. There is nothing better than a road trip to learn about each individual's quirks, likes and dislikes...
If I go, it's likely to be a holiday on a shoestring budget. My purpose is to simply wander around and take pictures instead of shopping. Another enticing bit is the fact that I'll get to wear winter clothes! I've always been attracted to fall fashion... however I'm darn scared of cold! Brrr...
Oh yes, I will have to find out if my friends will be there to bring us around too... It's always safer to have a "local" with us...
But... my baby won't be able to join us (assuming if I'm going)!!! And I know I will miss him loads... as it is... I already miss him when he is not around me. Sigh. Would be superb and enjoyable if he can join me though. He has been telling me to go. To take pictures of the tram up the peak, the cross junctions of causeway bay, the deserted train station stops, the old bridges, the old shophouses and the bus terminal at the airport etc...
If I don't go, I can save the money and use it to buy me a new DSLR camera instead. Hmmm.
Sigh. Decisions...
Cinderella and Her Quest For Shoes
I was shopping for a gift last night. Was wandering around the shopping mall when I decided to get a replacement for my worn out sandals, something which I ought to have done like ages ago. But I hate shopping, especially for shoes.
I have always found buying footwear a daunting and trying experience. I don't own many pairs of shoes... and those I own are rather worn. Ok, that was an understatement. They are worn. I wear them till it is time to buy a replacement. (I'm talking about shoes I wear really often.)
Take my nike sneakers for example... they are about 4-5 years old but I'm still wearing them. Then again, I love sneakers. But that's quite embarassing actually, considering that I'm female... and stereotypically, females should have many pairs of shoes! Oh guess what? They prolly broke the mould when they got to me... heh. Anyway I digress.
In my opinion, it's such a bother finding shoes that fits. You see, I blister too easily and many times I end up wincing in pain from all the blisters acquired. As much as I have a sadistic tolerance/preference for pain... there is only so much I can take. Besides, those blisters are such an ugly sight and the scars they leave! Argh!
Let's see... I have a slight back problem and along with it, a little problem reponding effectively to gravity. Yuppers. I can't balance very well so the heels can't be too high. Sometimes I think I fear walking. I'm always fearing I'll fall and embarass myself or I'll be tripping over invisible objects. I'm a clumsy bunnie. I think I should just stay put on the bed. Saves me the hassle from wearing shoes too! Heh.
Mmm... I also have the occasional bad habit of dragging my feet. Taking all the factors into consideration, stillettoes, wedges, platforms and flats are definitely out. So in the meantime, its comfort over vanity! Sigh. Maybe next time after more practice... they can be included in my (very limited) shoe collection. But lastly, to top off my list of frustrations... may I add that I have small feet!
Yes, I have small feet. Though they are not exactly small but it is relatively small in comparison for someone with my height. I once compared my shoe size with marmie and guess what?! My feet are actually smaller than hers! By a mere quarter inch. But still... smaller! Sheesh. Now I know why I have problems balancing...
Anyway, I got myself a pair of new sandals. Boring design... and prolly something I had before. But hell, comfort over vanity remember? Just hope now that my feet wouldn't blister too badly. Is it true that biting new shoes will prevent blisters? Hmmm... too late though. Wearing them now. Hehehe.
Just for the record, because I wear sneakers and comfy shoes too much... my feet are still undeformed! Yay! Have you seen a closeup of Uma Thurman's feet in "Kill Bill"? Ugly deformed feet... Tsk tsk. :P
Trying to Unblock My Writer's Block
I haven't been able to write lately. I have so many thoughts in my head, so many opinions that I am dying to put into words yet when I sit in front of the comp, I find myself staring blankly.
I meant to write about the bintan honeymoon, about my opinions on relationships... and now I wish I can write about my opinions about death.
It's not the first time this year I hear about the death of an aquaintance. Someone I barely knew died in a bike accident earlier this year. Someone who would have turned 21, a young man about to embark on his life's journey...
A couple of days ago, I read about the death of another young man. Supposedly a poly-mate whose name was vaguely familiar. I never knew if it was the person I think it was and I brushed the news aside. Till it was verified by someone that it was him. This young man jumped. For what reason... no one will ever know.
Though I barely knew him, yet the news saddened me. What could have prompted him to give up... what were his last thoughts and what flashed though his mind when he took that plunge.
Sure I've entertained thoughts of suicide... of jumping, of dying. But the rationale part of me always tells me to hold on... death is just an easy way out but it is definitely not an answer to my woes. Rather, I'll leave behind more burden for my family and I couldn't do that... I'm too responsible to do that to them. So I always clung on to whatever hope I have... and try to brave through those storms.
Edina scolded me last week after she read one of my posts. She was mortified by my dark thoughts. She called me a girl who don't look goth but thinks goth. Lol.
She chided me for being an attention seeker and making her worried sick by those talk of suicide. She added that she would rather I pimp and sell my body for attention... than to write those stuff. I beg to differ. As I have explained, I think too much. I'm too dark... and many times I really thought I'd give up but I do not. I'm too rationale. By writing, it's a form of self therapy... besides... I know of many people who are a lot like me.
However I am blessed. I have many people who care for me and who are willing to give me a listening ear as well as hit me on the head if the need arises. Perhaps sometimes a little attention, some care and concern is all that is needed... to save a life.
To the young man, I hope he is at a better place. I'm sure he'll be sorely missed by those whose lives he has touched.
10 Biggest Brain Damaging Habits
1. No Breakfast - People who do not take breakfast are going to have a
lower blood sugar level. This leads to an insufficient supply of nutrients to the brain causing brain degeneration.
2. Over-eating - It causes hardening of the brain arteries, leading to a decrease in mental power.
3. Smoking - It causes multiple brain shrinkage and may lead to Alzheimer disease.
4. High Sugar Consumption - Too much sugar will interrupt the absorption of proteins and nutrients causing malnutrition and may interfere with brain development.
5. Air Pollution - The brain is the largest oxygen consumer in our body. Inhaling polluted air deceases the supply of oxygen to the brain, bringing about a decrease in brain efficiency.
6. Sleep Deprivation - Sleep allows our brain to rest. Long term deprivation from sleep will accelerate the death of brain cells.
7. Head covered while sleeping - Sleeping with the head covered, increases the concentration of carbon dioxide and decrease concentration of oxygen that may lead to brain damaging effects.
8. Working your brain during illness - Working hard or studying with sickness may lead to a decrease in effectiveness of the brain as well as damage the brain.
9. Lacking in stimulating thoughts - Thinking is the best way to train our brain, lacking in brain stimulation thoughts may cause brain shrinkage.
10. Talking Rarely - Intellectual conversations will promote the
efficiency of the brain.
Sheesh... I'm guilty of 6-7 of the above! Eeeeps! :P
Back To The Daily Grind
I'm back! Got back on Wednesday evening but have been too lazy to update. Besides I'm down with the dreaded flu bug. Dang.
About the trip, it was a superb holiday! I thoroughly enjoyed myself with my baby and I think we really behaved like newly weds. Then again, its my personal opinion... Lol. I shall write more about it later.
Meanwhile here are the pics! Enjoy!
Finally!
Lotsa stuff to blog about... but am too lazy and my mind has gone hazy. Something not quite right in the brain... prolly the flu. Bah! So I'll make this short.
Tomorrow I'll be off! Finally I'm going on the honeymoon with my baby. Heh. Will only be back on Wednesday. Somehow I can't help but think about work and hope everything goes smoothly while I "disappear". Hate the thought of returning to shit after a nice break. Well.. work is shitty enough and I don't think I need more of that kinda fertisilers at the present... Whatever.
Bintan! Here we come!
Meanwhile... a song for my baby!
Finally Found - Honeyz
Ooh ooh ooh
I can't believe you're here with me
And now it seems my world's complete
And I never want this moment to end
I close my eyes and still I see
My dreams become reality
And now I know how it feels to be in love
I prayed so many nights that you would come my way
An angel from above to light my darkest day
I think it's time for you to hear these lines
'Cos there's something I want to say
I finally found what I've been looking for
And now you know I'm going to love you more
Hold me tight 'cos it's always been you
(It's always been you)
To think that you were always there (always there)
To be my friend and wipe away my tears
Now it's clear that it's always been you
Sometimes you don't expect that friends
Can become lovers in the end
Only god knows what the future will bring
So hold me close and don't let go
'Cos this is love, boy, don't you know?
And we're gonna be together for eternity
I prayed so many nights that you would come my way
An angel from above to light my darkest day
A love so strong it can't be wrong
It's with you that I belong
I finally found what I've been looking for (finally found)
And now you know I'm going to love you more
Hold me tight 'cos it's always been you
(It's always been you)
To think that you were always there (you were always there)
To be my friend and wipe away my tears
Now it's clear that it's always been you (you)
(This time) this time
I'm gonna make sure it turns out alright
I wanna be your everything and by your side
For the rest of my life
(This love) this love
Feels the way that love should be
Look in my eyes and realise there's no disguise
'Cos I'm in love with you
I finally found what I've been looking for
And now you know I'm going to love you more
Hold me tight 'cos it's always been you
To think that you were always there (you were always there)
To be my friend and wipe away my tears
(Wipe away my tears)
Now it's clear that it's always been you
(It's always been you)
Ice Cream Is Good
Conversations with Nick, the potato man, never fails to amuse me. He is so full of nonsense.. so warped... yet so right. Lol.
Potato: ah... must eat ice-cream
Potato: its the essence of youth
Potato: the meaning of life
Potato: haven't you heard the saying?
Potato: a butterscotch ice-cream is better than perfect happiness?
Me : nope
Potato: how true is that!
Potato: huh?
Me : another of those sayings from u huh?
Potato: never hear b4?
Potato: yah, but this one actually makes sense
Me : but i dun like butterscotch
Potato: doesnt matter
Potato: still better than perfect happiness
Potato: wanna know why?
Me : why?
Potato: butterscotch icecream better than nothing right?
Me : yah
Potato: ok
Potato: and
Potato: do you agree, that nothing is better than PERFECT happiness?
Me : sheesh
Potato: there you go...
Potato: so i am correct again?
Me : yeah
Potato: alright!!!!
Anywhere But Here
I feel the walls caving in. This feeling sucks. The darkness gnawing at me... I wish I can let go. I really wish... but I wish more for people to stop giving me their two cents worth and start giving me more credit.
Despite what you think, the truth is, I probably thought about it longer and harder than you did...
Last night...
I was tired and hungry when I got home from work. My dad was at the dining table when I sat down for dinner. My cousins were there as well... munching on tidbits and climbing chairs. Once in a while, he would raise his voice when their behaviour got out of hand while I just sat there, head bowed and eating silently. I prayed and hoped he ignore my presence and not speak to me... but alas. I groaned inwardly, knowing hardly listens to me... he only hear what he wish to hear... and each time it reaffirms the weakness of his only daughter.
Once again, he asked about what I hated most...
Him: How is work?
Me (mumbling): Crappy... work sucks. I am thinking of quitting.
Him: It sucks? How can it be? So what do you want to do next? What kind of job are you going to look for next?
Me (mumbling): Dunno. I am thinking of taking a break... save up enough then take a short break. Bum or perhaps go on a holiday before I start working again.
Him: Sigh. Nonsense.
And all conversation ceased. I sighed... knowing my answer has disappointed him yet again.
"Exhale.
Another wasted breath
Again it goes unnoticed"
- Again I Go Unnoticed, Dashboard Confessional
I wish I can stop feeling this low. All the rage within me has yet to subside. It's like wave after wave of pent up disappointment and anger crashing against the shore of sanity threatening to pull me apart.
I'm helpless. I am sick and tired of being who you want me to be, and who I think you want me to be... the eldest... the "acting" son. I am sick of being disappointed with myself when I disappoint you.
All the responsibilites you heaved upon me.... these invisible weight I carry on my shoulders... I don't even know where the line is anymore. Did I make myself carry this emotional baggage or did you give them to me? You weaved a web of illusion and I can't see beyond these walls. You cajoled me with your sweet words whenever I doubt and I am tricked to believing I can take on this world. Try harder... work harder... but each time I find myself falling harder. Still I try to crawl my way up... till now.
I can't live like this anymore. No longer can I go on not knowing who I am, who I was... no longer can I make believe my life is a bed full of roses. Don't misunderstand. It is probably better than most... though not the best. But no longer can I live with this constriction in my heart... knowing I want to leap across oceans and soar among the clouds. Yet here I am, bounded by your expectations of me.
"I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface,
I don't know what you're expecting of me,
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes."
- Numb, Linkin Park
Long enough I have held myself back...
From the time while others chased branded clothes till others chased fame and fashion... I only chased fantasies in my head. I refused to burden you with materialistic wants that others enjoyed. I can only hate myself for wanting to be like them... Am I simply being stupid? Perhaps if I have asked... you would have given them to me? Did I think too much and deprived myself? I only remember feeling a lot of guilt and inadequacy...
And now... I'm feeling them again. As always, for the longest time...
You expect me to smile and be happy... seeing my peers come back from abroad armed with their degrees and getting started on their careers. You expect me to wait and believe in your empty promises.
When I decide to do it my way... I'm attacked with a barrage of harsh words. Anything to dent my pride... weaken me, make me see how irresponsible I am and see the fucking error of my ways... for being self-centred and only thinking of myself... when all I wanted to do is save up for my own degree?!
If I had been really irresponsible, I would have clubbed when I was younger, played and fooled around... instead of trying to do everything now.
Sigh...
Well... now I just hate my life. I hate my work... I was sinking into the black hole... and would have sank deeper if Rek hadn't stepped into my life. Now I owe it to him to keep afloat.
Do you even care? Do you even know and would you even worry when I talk of suicide and giving up. I'm sure you have been through this but do you know this is happening to your own daughter?
"Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break"
- One Step Closer, Linkin Park
Do you even know when I cut my wrist so I wouldn't think too much. Do you know most nights I go to sleep wishing I wouldn't wake... Do you know of those prayers for a massive bomb to be dropped so everyone in fucking NUS can die! Do you know the scenes of a mass genocide is all I see at the back of my head when I come to work? Do you know the curses I mutter... wishing and hoping every minute a bomb will drop... or alien lifeforms take over this fucking place. And good riddance to everyone... I would gladly die as long as they all perish with me.
If I am a mafia... I'll bathe everyday in a pool of blood and I will shower the streets with bullets.
Yes... I hate my work. How many times must I say this so you can believe me? How many times must I break down in order for you to believe that I hate this to the core of my being? You blame my tardiness and constant need to take cabs every morning. Can't you see... its a dreadful task to get out of bed and head towards hell?
While I love the people... yet the work, it's like a loveless marriage... where money isn't a motivation any longer. Every day is a chore and every breath hurts... the only times with Rek and certain people keeps me alive for a while. Till the despair and gloom sets in again.
I'm bruised. Mentally and emotionally.
I need a break to re-evaluate my life. How can you know me when I don't even know myself. How can I know what I want to do when I have no idea? Why can't anyone see that I have thought long and hard... see it from so many points of view I'm tired of thinking.
If I have thought simply changing a job would help, I would. But it would probably be an endless cycle... I'll feel greatly dissatisfied and depressed after a while. Then I'll start sinking again...
Thus the only conclusion I can come up with... I need a break... :(
Just a note: I'm fine! Really! I'm perfectly sane and calm. I just needed to vent... :)
The Verdict So Far
The current count stands at 2 to 1!
What am I talking about? Basically the number of times Rek and I have met each other's family. Heh.
Let's see... within a week of us getting together, I have met his mum twice. The first time just her alone... and the second, at a coffeeshop where some of his other relatives were also present... It was traumatising and awkward. Heh. But I survived. :P
For him, he met my mum and some other relatives on Saturday at Marina Mandarin. My poor baby was very traumatised as well cos he had to meet so many people at one go. I had so many aunties, uncles and super noisy irritating cousins cramped in the hotel suite... and whats more! He was forced to watch soccer while at the same time getting entertained by the kiddos trying to get his attention... I bet he couldn't wait to leave the place. :P
But this isn't the interesting bit... It was my mum and aunt's comments the next day that kinda amused me.
First of all lemme just say... my baby is the cutest guy I have ever dated by far. In short, the most "yandao" (read: handsome) guy anyone has ever seen me with... hur. Some aunties at my dental clinic were gushing over how cute he is... :)
Anyway I digress...
Since my mum came home from the hotel, she has not uttered a single comment regarding Derek while I was too busy lazing in my own room to be bothered. However she did find the most inconvenient timing to speak to me about him... when I was rushing out to meet Rek. Hrm.
Firstly, she acted weird when she asked if he had been in any relationships before... blah blah blah... and later on did I figure out why she asked all the weird questions. Turns out, she thinks he is a flirt! Lol! Well, she said he has a look that many girls like... and she bet there are many who clamours for his attention. Also, she wonders if he isn't a flirt... why did his previous relationship(s) end? Any girl in her right mind wouldn't let go of a gem like him. Hmm.
My aunt who has been eavesdropping all these while also added her two cents worth... she is convinced I was the one who went after him instead!
In her own subtle bitchy way... she tried to insinuate that a guy with his looks... wouldn't be attracted to someone like me... unless I did something to garner his attention. Hrmmm... Bah!
Oh well... it's just the start. :) Many many more meetings to go. I wonder how will both of us fare. Lol!
Unexpected Collision of Paths
I really ought to be blogging more and noting down all that has been happening. There was a transition that many were not aware of, except those I confided in... yet there were still many that were shocked by the turn of events... and my change of status. Heh.
Lets see... I am slowly getting out of my shell. I've been too much of a hermit the past few months and now I have to get used to having a social life again though most of the activities involves my darling Rek. Yup, we've been making the effort to spend loads of time together.
All along I've been this lazy bunnie who refuse to step out of the house much... weekdays were spent going to and from work while weekends were spent at home catching up on my sleep... I am simply too lazy to meet people and make senseless conversations. Have I mentioned I am boring? (I have no idea where some get the idea I am a huge party animal... Bah.)
But anyway... interestingly my baby managed to get me to come out without trying. It all started innocently enough... we were aquaintances, having met once a couple of years back while we were still involved in our previous relationship. On and off I'll hear about him and it was quite a surprise when I received a message from him on Friendster. Some exchanged messages and online chats later, it was a natural progression to meet up. Actually... he took MC and wanted a dinner companion... plus a bait to lure Stef marmie out. Lol! He is marmie's good buddy and they have not met in ages... so yeah... that's how it all started...
Marmie made a comment just right after we had met. She joked that it would be really weird should Rek and I end up together... both of us met while we were in our previous emotional entanglements but never been in contact. Both have been single for over a year... and walking along our own paths separated by a fence. But suddenly we decided to stop at the same instant, turned and found each other across the fence... makes for a wonderful cheena movie don't you think? Lol!
In any case, I have made my choice and I am happy. How can I not be when Rek is wonderfully sweet to me?!!! :)
Damn I miss him so much now... especially the way he wraps his arms around me.
Addicted to My Baby
It's kinda overwhelming how fast things have been progressing... I have to admit that it takes some getting used to being in a relationship again cos I have been single for over a year.
It is like having to relearn everything from scratch, from being with someone, to accepting his habits and such. No longer can I just go out as and when I please... with any Tom, Dick or Harry. Wait. I don't date Tom, Dick, or Harrys... and I don't go out much anyway. But yeah, you get the idea. I'm with someone now so I gotta tone down my act a little and take into consideration his feelings.
I am still treading on this new path somewhat reservedly and cautiously. Like Redz said, I've been through shit and I don't need to go there again. And of cos there were some issues that bugged me and even now there are some shit happening... someone trying to mess my head by playing the guilt game. (Maybe I shall take a minute to remind myself and him... YOU DUMPED ME! So now... buzz off and quit acting like I owe you some!) Anyhow, I'm glad to have the support of my friends. :) Special thanks to marmie for helping me to sort out some of the mess...
Well, my baby is simply amazing. Like I wrote in his Friendster testimonial, he is a gentlemanly (I'm a sucker for guys who open doors for me... :P) snag! I have been spending so much time with my baby recently and I thoroughly enjoy his presence in my life. He is so addictive I can't help but want to spend more time with him even if it's just to spend most of our time holding hands and walking around aimlessly!
Despite being in this fluffy white cloud of love, there is still a tinge of darkness. As much as I'd like to be hopeful and optimistic, the cynicism in me is too strong and it brings out those insecurities. My baby is too good to be true!!! Still, he brings a smile to my face... and I can't help but to try harder to curb whatever is plaguing me... cos I really want this to be good. Yup, I want this to be the best ever. :)
Message for Derek:
Baby, I love how we feel skin to skin, and how my hand fit nicely into yours. Thank you for being so patient and loving. *muacks*
Falling Into You - Celine Dion
And in your eyes I see ribbons of color
I see us inside of each other
I feel my unconscious merge with yours
And I hear a voice say, "What's his is hers"
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
I was afraid to let you in here
Now I have learned love can't be made in fear
The walls begin to tumble down
And I can't even see the ground
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
Falling like a leaf, falling like a star
Finding a belief, falling where you are
Catch me, don't let me drop!
Love me, don't ever stop!
So close your eyes and let me kiss you
And while you sleep I will miss you
I'm falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
Falling like a leaf, falling like a star
Finding a belief, falling where you are
Falling into you
Falling into you
Falling into you
The Start Of A New Beginning
I have stepped into a new phase of my life... and let someone into my heart.
Yes, as of 18th October 2003, I am officially with Derek. *smiles*
Well... what can I say? Mr Romantic touched me with his sincerity and stole my heart... :oP
Letting The Passion Ignite
When did that flame die out... when did this cold render me so numb that I can't feel myself.
Let me search for that missing piece to this jigsaw...
"You can sleep forever, but still you will be tired
You can stay as cold as stone, but still you won't find peace
With you I feel I'm the meek leading the blind
With you I feel I'm just spending wasted time
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I've been waiting
I'm still waiting
But with you (with you)
It's always one step too far"
- One Step Too Far, Faithless (Feat. Dido)
The Miracle of Love - Eurythmics
How many sorrows
Do you try to hide
In a world of illusion
That's covering your mind?
I'll show you something good
Oh, I'll show you something good
When you open your mind
You'll discover the sign
That there's something you're longing to find
The miracle of love
Will take away your pain
When the miracle of love
Comes your way again
Cruel is the night
That covers up your fears
Tender is the one
That wipes away your tears
There must be a bitter breeze
To make you sting so viciously
They say the greatest coward
Can hurt the most ferociously
But I'll show you something good
Oh, I'll show you something good
If you open your heart
You can make a new start
When your crumbling world falls apart
The miracle of love
Will take away your pain
When the miracle of love
Comes your way again
The miracle of love (must take a miracle)
Will take away your pain (must take a miracle)
When the miracle of love (must take a miracle)
Comes your way again (must take a miracle)
Politically correct version:
Thank
you for visiting this blog. This is a constant work in progress
for both the layout and my writing. It's not easy writing down
my thoughts for I'm such a private person. And there is still
a lot of tweaking to be done for this layout. But I'm trying nevertheless.
Hope you get to know a little bit more about me. Cheers!
Politically incorrect version:
My Blog! My thoughts, my rants, my ramblings, my whims. If it offends you, kindly proceed to suck my toes.
